Phase 2. Day 13.

I'm writing to say that I will admit to having learned something about myself in the last few days. Since I know pretty much everything, this is not something I readily admit. Nevertheless, I should have out with it.

What I realize is that I took on this silence for selfish reasons. Personal reasons, but selfish ones. I knew that going silent would change me, would cause me to learn more about myself, but what I didn't consider was that it would seriously distance me from the world around me.

I am deeply, honestly sad that there were things I had planned to sacrifice during my silence. Things like Evan's law school acceptance, a friend's baby announcement, Julie's engagement, Amber's wedding plans...Even talking about tv shows and catching up with college friends visiting MI were all slated to get pushed aside for the quiet.

Now, I agree that there are times when no one should take priority over self. I do believe that unless you invest in something, you'll never reap anything from it, and that includes investing in your own character. What I planned to do here was character investment: I was paying deeply to earn much.
However, now that I'm in, and I was a hair's breadth away from remaining silent through those important moments, I have realized that no matter what you plan, no matter how much you have your heart set on things, there are times when you have to relinquish your plans to what's going on around you. Life is going on outside of my silence, and unless I choose to participate in its more significant moments, there are things here that once gone will be...well, gone.

So I've come to understand my silence the way it was taught to me in Jesuit retreat: Unless we remove the noise, we have no capacity to listen. I am listening, and what I have been told is to live. Quietly--very, very quietly for the next 34 days--but live.

So I will continue my silence. I will continue to live as quietly as possible for the remainder of Lent. I will shut my mouth, I will open my ears, I will take in what lessons this experience has for me. But--and here's the new part--I will allow myself to participate when necessary. If its a celebration lunch, or an email to catch up on big news with a buddy, or an acceptance letter, I'm not hiding behind my book and headphones any more.

On to silence, phase 2.

Now Listening:

Phantom Limb, The Shins