The Fitness Blog

Today is big. It's the day I reveal to the world how much I've been obsessing over health and fitness for the past year or so (with absolutely no results yet, let's be clear). 

And so, here's where I enter into my Kathy-cartoon-like litany of learned methods for weight loss. As far as I can tell, here's what you [read: I] need to do to get fit:

1. As Amber says, if you want a washboard stomach, you first have to remove the wash. To trim the pounds, you need to spend some time elevating your heart rate. I hear spinning is great as are boot camps, rowing and kickboxing. I've chosen to train for a 10k in April, but I also give the elliptical a lot of one-on-one time. I can't say that any of this has produced the desired effect yet, but it's only been a few months...

But that's not all. You cannot simply enter into the cardio scene a few days a week. Oh no. General consensus is 5-6 days a week minimum, for 30-60 mins at a go. And remember to keep increasing the difficulty! It's not enough to just increase the time, ya hear?

2. For long lean muscles you have to do some stretching. Yoga and Pilate's are good choices. I'm looking for a yoga class, as the one at my gym is €100 ON TOP of the €70/month I pay for the privilege of using the gym itself. Come on, I can't in good faith pay that. Anyway, you have to stretch the muscles if you don't want big bulky speed-skater thighs and Incredible-Hulk arms. If you've already gotten yourself into a strong quad, weak inner-thigh/hamstring situation (ahem), you have to roll out your quads and IT band, which pretty much looks like meat tenderizing. 

3. After your heart has been pumping and you've been stretched and tenderized, you have to do a little muscle work. I'm a fan of the hardcore 90's 8-Minute series, which can be found on YouTube. The trainer, bedecked in a fantastic striped unitard, will walk you through 8 minute exercises for your badooty, drumsticks, wings and jellybelly. You can do weight training, but beware the pink dumbbell syndrome. If you're into fads, there's P90x and TurboJam from Beach Body (I know, it's all Greek to me too, it's US stuff that hasn't gotten here yet but is all over my forums. Side note: check out the expressions of everyone on that website...wtf!). 

4. Way to go! Your muscles have been pumped full of oxygen and blood, tenderized, stretched and utilized. Time to stretch them some more, because Coach Randy, my trainer on my half marathon, says not stretching is one of the leading causes of sports-related injury. I'm guessing the number one cause of sports-related injury is playing sports...Moving on, stretch all your muscles, repeatedly after working out and throughout the day. There are desk stretches, and partner stretches (Ashtanga yoga) too, if you're feeling sociable.

That's a lot of hard work we've put in up there, but we still have a long way to go. Never mind what your body has been doing for the 5-6 days a week. Let's talk about what your mouth has been working on. 

One must consider diet. More than just interjecting the occasional garden salad into an otherwise bacchanalian lifestyle, diet requires careful consideration and constant perseverance. As I learned recently, one Guinness bender with a certain Guinness-loving friend can leave you stranded in the gym for an entire week. I've also read that an excess of as little as 200 calories per day in your 20's can lead to a 30 pound weight problem in your 30's. So, how to combat this?

1. Count your calories. The most widely accepted method of determining healthy food consumption is the measure of caloric content. In order to lose weight you must create calorie deficits in your diet, which is measured using your calorie intake minus your calorie burn, which is based on your BMI (what a mouth full!). Track calories here, find your BMI here, freak out about all this info here. 

2. Look for hidden crap in your diet. Sometimes I feel like covert ops, questioning every food on my plate. You think the Starbucks nonfat vanilla latte is good for you? Think again--5 pumps of vanilla syrup plus whip cream is an extra 300 cals. Ask for sugar-free syrup, no whip. Organic yogurt sounds good, right? Wrong: should have gone for the fat-free and saved yourself 40 cals per pot. The fruit and nut mix you have on your desk instead of bags of Doritoes isn't a vast improvement, I gotta tell ya. You're looking at about 180 cals per handful, plus 10g of fat. Bagel in the morning is hardly healthy--350 cals disincluding your cream cheese! Even Jell-o is rich in calories, you're only supposed to have 1/4 cup of it at a time! Things aren't what they appear in calorie-counting universe. Check out Eat This, Not That! for more examples of how to stay healthy when you're out on the town as well. 

3. Then there's the oddball fads and quirky tips you pick up along the way. Kill your coffee addiction and switch to green tea for the anti oxidants, but beware the foot taste. Woe betide users of artificial sweeteners--sucralose and aspartame are the big dogs--because leading research shows they increase appetite in the long run. There are divergent opinions on whether to eat every 2-3 hours to keep your metabolism up or to wait 4-5 hours to complete your "fed" cycle and enter into your latent state. But whatever you do, don't eat after 9...or was that 8:30...oh, now it's 5? Let's not forget the trans fat vigilantes and carb-less weirdo's who wrap their tacos and sandwiches in lettuce leafs. I'm not a faddist, but maybe this works for some people...

And if this hasn't consumed the full 24 hours of your day, be sure to get 9 hours of sleep for a fitter you, keep up on your workouts at the office, and find a way to (HA!) have a balanced lifestyle. 

If I'm coming off overwhelmed it's only because I'v gotten to feeling inundated with the fitness info. As much as the US is a fat nation, we're a fit nation too. I wonder if anyone else feels up to their eyeballs in the deluge of healthy living advice. It's a lot to keep up with, isn't it? Well, back to my bowl of Special K and green tea! :)